| Deep Fried Love |
| Outta My Uterus! |
| by Laurel Miller |
I don’t want kids.
I’m the last person on earth to label myself a feminist, so before I get a truckload of hate mail accusing me of being some kind of ball breaking man-hater…..that’s not it. I’m a straight, 36-year old, single woman who has, for whatever reason, never desired to procreate... |
Which apparently makes me a freak, because complete strangers never tire of telling me what a huge mistake I’m making. This makes me a bit irate. I just don’t get why what a woman chooses to do - or not do - with her uterus is of such concern to the general public.
The first time I was confronted about my lack of maternal instinct was in a youth hostel in New Zealand. The Israeli guy sharing the bunk above me was appalled that, at 31, I was still unmarried. He felt compelled to tell me that I had better find a man soon, “before you are old and ugly and no one wants you.” Oblivious to the look on my face, he plowed on. “How do you expect to have children if you are not married?”
Between gritted teeth, I explained to him that women actually can bear children even if they choose to remain unmarried (an obsure biological fact no doubt), then added that I didn’t want children. He immediately wanted to know who I expected to take care of me when I was old and ugly and infirm. To which I responded, “That isn’t enough of a reason to have kids, and having them isn’t a guarantee of that, anyway. Maybe you and I just have cultural and personal differences.”
The vigorous nodding of his friends, who had eagerly gathered to watch our debate, confirmed that. Still, this random, punk ass 23-year old backpacker’s comments would be echoed, time and again, as I entered my mid-30’s. From overly concerned do-gooders who say, “Why, you’re missing out on life’s most incredible experience!" (How squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of my nether region is a not-to-be-missed adventure is beyond me - but I digress) to “You don’t know what life really is about until you have a child.”
I get it, I get it. I get that having a child is a rewarding, life-altering experience. And for my friends and family who have taken that leap- I see how it’s enriched their lives. But I also know that for myself, having a child isn’t something that I want, and I don’t believe I’d make a good parent. I’m impatient, I’m self-absorbed, I’m slightly anal, I earn very little money, diaper contents and their discussion make me ill, and I’m not particularly fond of most kids. To which my detractors confidently reassure me, “Oh, you’ll feel differently when it’s your own!”
That may well be, but I think I know myself well enough to realize that I’m pretty set in my ways, and there are other aspects of my life that I value too much to give up. I’ve worked hard at my career as a food and travel writer, I find it challenging and fulfilling, and don’t want to abandon that to raise a child. I’m concerned about global population issues. My reasons may be selfish, but really- how much more selfish is it to have a child and not be completely, wholly invested in that child’s well-being and best interests?
I also know myself well enough to realize that if I were to have a child, I’d want to be able to give that kid everything- the chance to see the world at a young age, to pay for higher education, to be around often enough to be a chauffeur and regular fixture at extracurricular activities, a mom who raises her own instead of opting for daycare, a mom who prepares dinner from scratch every night (taking turns with a dad, of course). That last one especially might be idealized, but it would be contradictory to my beliefs as a food writer to do otherwise for my pseudo-family. Now, I can get away with a bowl of cereal at 10 pm and no one gets hurt.
The bottom line is, having a child requires superhuman levels of patience and selflessness. Any idiot can raise a child, but that doesn’t mean they make good parents. Caving in to societal or biological pressure isn’t enough of a reason, on an over-populated planet, to have kids. It would be nice if more people would applaud the decision of single women or couples who decide not to have children, rather than seeing them as pathetic or misguided.
Even if they are old, ugly, and infirm. |
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