| Cultural Commentate |
| When Did Pacification Become Parenting? |
| by Autumn Leigh |
| This is the season. The season for wonderful food, celebrating the holidays and spending time with those you love. However, all of this is precluded by the dreaded activity of Christmas shopping. There is one twist to the Christmas joy that can drive even the most patient nursey school teacher to a bottle of merlot..... |
Under usual circumstances any normal, American money spending woman like myself would light up at the thought of shopping for days on end buying that beautiful scarf for Uncle Mike or that trendy massage unit for Aunt Maude, but the pressure of the season usually takes its toll. Shoppers frantically scour malls and shopping pavilions for all sorts of knick-knacks to bestow on those they love. There are the crowds, the enticements of the 40% off sale and of course Christmas shopping would not be complete without the naughty children screaming bloody murder over the chocolate Santa that their parents have decided they must not have.
It is this writer’s opinion this is not a problem that is only brought on by the Christmas cheer; it has in fact become a store goers nightmare seen more times then one should have to endure (or at the very least witness). Three weeks ago, I was happily at my local Target store which is considered by many women in their 30’s to be the greatest conglomeration of low priced cleaning supplies, beauty provisions and cat litter available when I witnessed a 7 or 8-ish little boy ask for some candy while standing in the check out line with his father. The father told him no, explaining that they were going home to dinner and his mother wouldn’t approve. Oh, but this did not deter the child.
I witnessed in those short three minutes the 5 Stages of Grieving laid out before me. First the child went into denial and he shared his discontent by screaming, “No! No! No!” He obviously was in shock at his loving parent denying his basic request for sugary pleasure. This shock quickly revealed the second stage known as anger. And let me tell you, we felt his anger as this obviously old-enough-to-know-better child started screaming at the top of his lungs. He screamed that he wanted it. He screamed that his father had better buy it - and all of this through sobs of despair. This could have been seen as a valiant effort by one so little if we were not only horrified by the little monster but we were all more mesmerized by the father’s reaction which was to ignore his child while at the same time talking in a low voice in an attempt to calm the boy down.
The next minute or so the boy changed his strategy and tried to wipe the tears and mucus from his face. He then pleaded that he would be good. He would be a good little boy. This was obviously the bargaining stage. When his father still said no the child went immediately into a deep 30 second depression. With four stages down there was only one stage to go but much to our surprise the father grabbed the candy and tossed it on the counter. Now we have acceptance both for the child and the worn down father.
While witnessing this entire event and making a mental note to pick up my birth control prescription on the way home, I couldn’t help to feel sorry for everyone. The child, the father and of course the innocent bystanders that were injured by the screaming shrapnel could only then try to piece back the rest of their afternoon and go on living. But one question really stuck in mind. When did pacifying the child substitute for actual parenting? I also wondered, what were the repercussions of this allowed behavior on the young as they entered adulthood? I then briefly outlined an imaginary tirade I would display for my boss when asking for a raise. I came to the conclusion that I would not be given the raise but only a small cardboard box to pack up my Dilbert memorabilia and collection of vendor given coffee cups.
Are parents so worn down, indifferent and/or exhausted that they let this behavior be the norm and not the exception? I remember the day when Mom only had to give me or one of my siblings The Look. And that look was more potent than any spanking or grounding. That look meant you just-wait-until-I-tell-your-father or wait until we get home/to the car. The mystery in the look was more petrifying than the actual punishment, but you knew that whatever the sentence was the time left waiting would be more excruciating than the actual punishment. It was also the look that meant you had better knock off whatever you were doing that instant.
My second sub-question is what service do parents and society, to a certain extent, tell children when they permit this type of behavior? This is not real life. This does not make a better person, employee, parent or spouse. How can we expect 20 year olds to stand on their own two feet when we have been giving into their every whim? And that is not to even mention those precious teenage years when your 15 year old insists on his 9th facial piercing. At that point I would imagine parents aren’t too successful at putting their foot down.
Parenting is hard. Parenting can be rewardless, painful and a down and dirty job but parents need to set those boundaries. Parents need to let children know that they cannot and should not hold innocent bystanders hostage in a supermarket line with their socially unacceptable behavior. If parents aren’t going to teach them the fundamentals of manners then who else will step up to the plate? I guess that I can be bothered……
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